Monthly Archives: February 2013

Top 5 Phrases I Loathe To Hear

1- “Well, actually”—Who’s with me? Generally speaking, these two little words are the most condescending beginning to any sentence ever uttered. And more often than not, the speaker just didn’t get your sarcasm in the sentence prior to this little verbal slap.

2- “Hand me/ Give me/ Get me”—If I wanted to take commands, I would’ve joined the military. However, pepper in a few “would you’s” or “could you’s” and I’m all ears.

3- “They …. (fill in the blank)”—In this instance, “they” refers to any religious choice, ethnic group or frankly, any mass grouping of INDIVIDUALS. If you do this, please stop…it’s incredibly offensive.

4- “First World Problems”—Can’t we think of a better phrase for this sentiment? While I do believe that we do need to put our privileged “problems” in check (broken Keurig, lost wifi password, etc), I always get a dirty feeling when hearing this statement. Too many people seem to say it in a cocky and pretentious, “Oh I’m so lucky” way…and that is so not cute.

5- “You have to be a realist”—This one is courtesy of my mother. Ya know what, maybe I want to have two jobs in high school, travel the world, meet a prince (no lie, totes happened)…and live off of ramen and good times. Insurance is overrated, anyways ;)

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Top 5 Reasons To Take Public Transportation

1- You don’t have to stand in the cold and pump your own gas. Or, God forbid, walk inside to pay because you found the one station in your county without a credit card machine.

2- You make friends who will sometimes share their snacks. While the most common offer comes as a preemptive strike in the form of minty freshness, every now and then you get leftover Halloween candy or…even better…birthday cupcakes!

3- You can use it as an excuse to not answer your phone. Boo-yah!!

4- You have the power to save money, help the environment, and SLEEP all the way to work! Full on superhero status before 8:00 am.

5- You really feel like part of the absurd merry-go-round we call life…which can be oddly refreshing after eight hours in a stuffy and well-mannered office. Confused by what I’m saying? Go to Penn Station around 5:00 and report back to us.

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Top 5 Ways To Look Important

1- Carry a planner. Because, obviously, people with plans need a planner. So what if your “appointments” consist of trash pick-up schedules, your (twice-a-year) dental visits, and a wedding you have no intentions of actually attending? One day you might just have to pencil in that date with Ryan Gosling.

2- Wear shades like a boss. Seriously. If you don’t believe me, try it out in the mirror…something about occluding your eyes (**cough, under eye circles) makes you walk taller, speak stronger, and just…stride with confidence. Important people stride with confidence.

3- Keep your accessories sophisticated. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worn a nice coat over a frumpy tee <bra optional>…paired with a stylish watch, sharp boots, new scarf, and…duh….shades. Even if you’re just running to the market, this look will carry you through the situation with class.

4- Resist the urge to immediately jump out of the way when someone is walking in your path. Important people don’t concede so easily, neither should you. Casually step to the side when you are fairly close to the intruding party, but never (ever!) apologize.

5- Don’t take private calls in public. Nothing kills a sophisticated look like a personal conversation. Uttering phrases like “he did WHAT?!” “Mom, for the last time, I don’t watch CSI…or NCIS…or whatever you’re talking about” or “I’m so upset that Channing Tatum is having a baby” make you less mysterious. Important people are mysterious.

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Top 5 Cringeworthy Oscar Moments (Thus Far)

1- Amanda Seyfried’s horrendous red carpet interview with Kristin Chenoweth. Seyfried seemed bored, unresponsive, and a bit…hostile. Plus, I think she looks like an alien.

2- Kristin Chenoweth standing next to any other woman on the red carpet. She made even the most beautiful, stunning, and healthy women look like cargo ships. Furthermore, she seemed to bask in the contrast? Adele should have slapped her when she took off her shoes. #bitch

3- Um, the BOOB SONG? More specifically, Naomi Watts’ expression when her name was mentioned. As my southern grandmother would say, the entire spectacle was in “poor taste.”

4- Ohmygoodddd Kristen Stewart. She is quite possibly the most uninteresting person on the face of this planet (maybe not Amanda Seyfried’s). Stewart either thinks she is the coolest person on earth…or is on some sort of oxycontin diet. Her presentation was painful for everyone involved.

5- Sandy, Sandy, Sandy…wtf do you have in your hair girlfriend?! While I didn’t mind her dress, the vintage clip was totes distracting. And it made her hairdo a little homely. But hey, at least she’s no longer married to Jesse James. That counts for something, right?

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Top 5 Things That Are Never Going To Work

1-  Two-in-One Shampoo! Why is it that every godforsaken time I stay at a (heterosexual) male’s home, I end up washing my hair with this shit? It doesn’t exactly clean and it fo sho don’t moisturize. I get that it’s cheaper, easier, and quicker…but look where that got Anna Nicole Smith.

2- Cheap ass pencil erasers. We’ve all been there…you try to change your to you’re and before you know it, well, your paper resembles some sort of ash repository.

3- The “Dress Over Jeans” look. Every few years, rogue fashion editors decide that this “style” is a new (not) and fresh (not again) way to spice up the adventurous girl’s wardrobe. Newsflash: It’s not flattering and it looks hella stupid.

4- Acquiescing to tantrums to make bad behavior go away. Au contraire, this is a surefire way to ensure you get one of these little performances over every.damn.disagreement. Kids are smart man…and they most certainly understand the “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” rule. Let the screaming commence.

5- Public transportation in Italy. The scenery is gorgeous, the food is too good, and the people are far too good-looking. They have better things to do. Buona Fortuna.

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Top 5 Ways To Get Judged On Pinterest

1- You pin an image or quote that is so three months ago (or, God forbid, last year). Basically, any “he will never be hot” cartoon or…and it kills me to say it…my once beloved Grumpy Cat.

2- You have a wedding board that is BURSTING with different dresses, table settings, flowers, caterer’s attire, rings, candelabras, silverware, MOB outfits, etc etc etc etc…and you’re nineteen. Or thirty-seven. Whatever the case, it makes it look like getting hitched is more important to you than anything else in the world…and you know what they say about Desperate Debbies.

3- Your page is ALL crafty and no sassy. Bor-ing. Even if you DO spend 99% of your time with tiny little cretins (that you love dearly), you’re still a grown-up. Pin an off-color e-card, or perhaps a scantily clad Channing Tatum, every once and awhile to let us know you still got it.

4- You post one of those god-awful 10,000 inch long posts. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

5- Last, but certainly not least, you pin any pre-styled outfit from Polyvore. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the personal flair? Call me crazy, but it just seems to me like they’re telling you what to do, yo. Also worth mentioning—the handbags paired with the clothes are almost always hideous.

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Top 5 Things I Didn’t Know About Flying First Class

(…because if they told us, we “minions” would most likely revolt.)

***This post is written as I sit in a Glasgow, Scotland hotel, mere hours after my first experience in first class.

1- Free booze. Say whaaa?! Yep, you got it. All the wine, champagne, and cocktails your little heart desires. Drinks cost you NOTHING and they are refilled before you even notice you’re running low.

2- The food is actually edible. Like, really edible….I’m talking ice cream sundaes and cheese plates, people. Considering how normal airplane food almost always causes me to dry heave into my neighbor’s seat, this is an unbelievable improvement (my neighbor says so, too).

3- YOUR FREAKING SEATS LAY ALL THE WAY DOWN. Holy crap! Frankly, I don’t see how normal-sized people even fly coach. I’m 5’2 and am always cramped for space (especially when the a-hole in front of me decides to recline his seat in my lap). However, in first class, you have a bevy of reclining options. Feet up but back straight? You got it. Feet up and back relaxed for your TV viewing pleasure? No prob. All the way down so you can survive an 8 hour flight and NOT exit the plane looking like an extra from The Walking Dead? But of course!

4- You get human-sized amenities. Peace out Tiny-BabyJesus-Pillow, good riddance you poor excuse for a fleece blanket (a fabric I hate even its most luxurious form)…and hellooo quilted down blanket and fluffy queen-sized head cushion. So nice of you to (finally) grace me with your presence.

5- You get major swag. Like, oh you know, an entire kit of PHILOSOPHY products! Chap stick, hand lotion, facial wipes, eye masks, tissues, toothpaste, toothbrushes, headphones, earplugs, SOCKS, hand sanitizer…all presented in a cute little carrying case! Although–and this is very important–if you don’t want to look like a total newb, you must resist the urge to tastelessly rip into your new acquisitions.

That can wait until everyone is sleeping with their fancy blankets, grownup pillow, and kicked-up feet…or at least until they’re on their fourth glass of (complimentary) vino.

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Top 5 Things I Don’t Give a Sh*% About

1- How many stick-figure kids you have, miles you’ve ran, or political quips you love, as displayed on the back window of your car. No one cares. And don’t even get me started on the “memorial” trend.

2- Photos of your food on Facebook. There is nothing (nothing!) I scroll through faster than photos of meals. Granted, I have been guilty of this a time or two myself, but it was for truly momentous occasions. Like the first (and only) gourmet meal I ever cooked…and a dessert named after nuns in France. Otherwise, eat it don’t tweet it.

3- Potty-training updates. Laugh as you will, but you would be surprised at how often I see DETAILED descriptions of this crap (pun intended) on my newsfeed. It’s gross and again…no one cares.

4- Dilation. As in of the vagina. People actually post this stuff!! Either they are unaware that when they say someone is “x inches dilated” they are referring to that person’s cervix stretching out to push through a human baby…or they just don’t care. Either way, I am never forcing that mental picture on anyone–although maybe I’ll start posting about Kegels to retaliate.

5- Any trite, cliché, uninspired, narrow-minded or just plain dumb “share” on Facebook. Generally passed along by older family members or friends of your parents, these photos/comics are responsible for 99% of my “unfollows.”

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Top 5 Tips For Living Out of a Suitcase

1- Layer. No, really. I could not COUNT the times I have left my beautiful, warm, and southern hometown decked out in a peacoat, scarf, and warm boots. You may look like the Michelin Man, but the fact of the matter is that winter clothes take up the most space…so layer it on and tell the carry-on scale to stick it where the sun don’t shine.

2- Just say no to nostalgia. When I first started traveling, I would keep every pamphlet, train ticket, theatre program, receipt…you name it. Then I realized, AIN’T NOBODY GOT ROOM FOR DAT. It eventually turns into clutter, it stresses you out, and well, most of us just aren’t the scrapbooking type (Thank God).

3- 4-Wheel Luggage. Holy sweet mother of all that is just. This will change your life. The difference between hauling the traditional 2-wheels and its 4-wheel counterpart is the difference between, say, planking throughout the entirety of Gone with the Wind…or watching comfortably from your king size bed.

4- Perfume. One thing that is far and few between in travel, is the taken-for-granted luxury of laundry service. Solution? Spray and (not actually) Wash! Sounds gross, but a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.

5- Shoes and books are your greatest enemy.  They will try to lure you with their beauty, quality, and all around vintage-ness…but the pull is pure evil and should be resisted! These SOBs are heavy and will break your back…not to mention your bank account when you incur a few overweight fees. Eventually, you’ll just end up throwing them away in the airport trash bins to save your last 40 bucks.

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Top 5 Ways Downton Abbey Is Killing Me Softly

1- The Clothing. No matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to manage transforming the “beaded, black lace” look into something that doesn’t look like a style I would have rocked circa 1997. Also, the headpieces are magnificent and would inevitably look ridiculous in modern-day Manhattan.

2- Granny (or Grand Ma-Ma). Maggie Smith is phenomenal. Her wit, comedic timing, and precise facial impressions cannot be imitated or replicated. She is also 78 years old. The threat of retirement or, ya know…worse, is enough to keep a devoted fan up at night.

3- Lady Mary. She is stunningly beautiful, tough, intelligent…and a bit mean. While she is admittedly my favorite Crawley daughter, I do sometime question my acceptance of this “mean girl” quality. For real though, she is a total bitch to Edith most of the time…and this causes me to wonder, would I (i.e. the transcendent we) be so accepting if Edith were more attractive? Yikes, I don’t need this self-reflection Downton!

4- Love (alright fine, sex) Scenes. Better yet, the LACK of gratuitous groping onscreen. In the land of True Blood, Game of Thrones, and even Girls…the prim and proper breakfast in bed moments just aren’t cutting it. We’re a nation of pervs, PBS. Get with the program.

5- Mr. Bates. I’m sorry, but isn’t he like 30 years older than our sweet Anna?! Am I the only one who thinks she looks like an adorable twenty-something…not a woman who would marry an ailing, and frankly uninteresting, stranger with a psycho wife (Vera, you sly minx). Can we keep our Matthews/Turks and trade in Mr. Bates?!

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