Monthly Archives: March 2013

Top 5 Things You Should Stop Doing

1- Placidly standing on the left side of the escalator. That is for the right side. The left side is for people with places to go!! If you get pushed down or punched one day, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

2- Commenting back (individually) to everyone that compliments your new profile pic. While you may think you’re only being polite, it looks a little self-involved and desperate. A simple “Thanks Guys!” should suffice.

3- Running at the gym. Go outside! It’s a tougher workout and you get that VD!

(Vitamin D…what were you thinking?!)

4- Showering with your bf’s soap/shampoo/conditioner all-in-one. It smells awful and is everything/nothing at the same time.

5- Misspelling third grade words. The world notices and hates you for it. 

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Top 5 Southern Words That Make Me Giggle

1- Ideeclare- “I declare”

Ideeclare, that Janice Jenkins becomes more of a trollop each year.

2- Jeetyet?- “Have you eaten?”

Jeetyet? Let’s go on down ta’ Miss Jackie’s for some catfish.

3- “Winda”- Also known as a “window”

Hand me my tea hon, it’s sittin’ on the winda.

4- Ya’ll’s- “your group’s/family’s

Is that ya’ll’s? If so, take it home where it belongs.

5- Cottonpickin’- “difficult and unfavorable”

I’ll come as soon as I find my cottonpickin’ keys.

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Top 5 Ways To Stay Happy

1- GSD- As in, Get Sh&* Done. End that procrastination-based masochistic relationship with yourself and be productive, you’ll feel better for it I swear.

2- Avoid toxins- This list may or may not include over-processed food, aerosol hairspray, and your self-involved mother-in-law.

3- Ditch the Sweats- In the words of Karl Lagerfeld, “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.” Preach it, Karl.

4- Make a weekly visit to the park- You get the chance to soak up Vitamin D and see all the goofy kids/puppies you want but can’t afford. Just don’t be creepy about it.

5- Hydrate- Take care of your skin from the inside and glow on the outside! And no, martinis don’t count.

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Top 5 Things I Take For Granted…Until They’re Gone

1- Good health- Ya know, it’s like you don’t even notice it when it’s there…but when it’s gone, it’s all you freaking think about/want in life.

2- Wifi- Same sentiment as above.

3- Smart phones- Please, please never make me have to actually look up a number, then remember it long enough to save, again!

4- Public Transportation- Yea, so uh, what do you mean the trains aren’t working today? I mean…can you even do that? Oh yes, yes you can. F U Sandy.

5- Milk- It’s like I don’t even want the stuff until it’s sitting in my fridge…spoiled.

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Top 5 Reasons I Hate Being Sick

1- Shocking as it may sound, I don’t like people assuming I have a narcotics problem…and my red/raw nose does not help this case.

2- I also don’t like for people to be scared of me…and, even though I can’t blame them, it always dings your pride a little when you see a stranger create as much distance between you and them as possible.  It’s just allergies, I swear!

3- I never purchase Kleenex and am thus forced to deplete my valuable paper resources.

4- Coughing is so gross. And it hurts. Make it go away, please?

5- It gives me an excuse to indulge in my already indulgent tendencies…sleep, television, and feel-good food. Ay Caramba.

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Top 5 Words That Aren’t Used Enough

1- Cacophony- Today, as I waited for a train in Union Square, I was assaulted by the nonstop cacophony in the station.

2- Lascivious- While it is no doubt lascivious in nature, I can’t help but adore Game of Thrones.

3- Loathsome- There is nothing more loathsome than the marriage of strong opinions and weak thoughts.

4- Unbecoming- Don’t talk with food in your mouth darling, it’s unbecoming.

5- Bemused- I was bemused by tonight’s exhibit…which may or may not indicate its worth.

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Top 5 Words That Are Overused

1- Chevron

2- Ombre

3- Chambray

4- Burlap

5- Artisanal 

We all know what these words mean…time to move on, folks.

Top 5 Reasons I Can’t Wait To Get Older

1- Gardening. I dream of the day when, like my oh-so-lovely grandmother, I know every name of every flower ever grown in every terrain…I mean, how do old people do that?!

2- Saving money on cosmetics—Sephora, plan accordingly. There is a slight chance your stocks will plummet. 

3- Comfortable footwear—Every. Single. Day.

4- Feeling guilt-free when I take the elevator. It will be so nice to not feel so humiliated when caught in this shameful act! Third floor anyone? Let’s ride.

5- Going on girls’ trips to exotic locales—and proving to the world that it just gets better with age. You can get a senior discount on daiquiris, right?

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Top 5 (Reasonably Harmless) Things That Make Me Want To Rage

1- Restaurants that do not offer wi-fi…I mean, wtf. It’s the 21st century. Join the real world people (I’m talking to you, Europe).

2- Commercials on Pandora. I get it—that’s how they pay their bills—but I’m in the middle of a workout and the only thing getting me through it is picturing Adam Levine singing only to me…shirtless.

3- When a screwdriver is needed to change a freaking battery. Might as well throw the offending item away.

4- When I’m forced (yet again) to buy another $10 Metrocard because I left my (fully paid) one at home. *#*&!@#*!@#&!@#&!@#*!!!

5- When I pour a perfectly delicious bowl of cereal…and realize there’s no milk. So, so sad.
 

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Top 5 Reasons To Love Mondays

1- It means you survived the weekend.

2- Hearing about your odd coworker’s wild Saturday excursion to the (insert random object) collector’s exhibition always offers a smidge of mild entertainment.

3- You have the opportunity to set yourself apart and NOT be a total grump at the water cooler.

4- Parents get to send their kids back to school.

5- Once started, it will soon be over…and you won’t have to do it again for another week!

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