Monthly Archives: April 2013

Top 5 Things That Are Worse Than Hell

1- Waiting in theme park lines. While similar to hell (same temperature/crowd), this little adventure is made worse by the fact that you are actually spending insane amounts of money to do.nothing for the majority of the day.

2- Editing your résumé. Holy sh&^ this is the worst. All you want to do is send them a secret text that says “what do you wannnnt from me?!”…and don’t even get me started on margins.

3- Suddenly and inexplicably finding yourself surrounded by Republicans. ***

4- Sleeping with someone who snores. You think to yourself, “I mean…would it REALLY be that bad to just put this pillow over their head? Would I just get a couple of years?…” Alas, these murderous urges are generally resisted…because after all, who would carry the luggage?

5- Watching a cinematic sex scene…while your parents are in the room. You don’t want to make it awkward…but you def don’t want to look too into it…WHO NEEDS ANYTHING FROM THE KITCHEN?!?!

***To be fair, I assume Republicans feel the same way when surrounded by us crazy liberals.

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Top 5 Things You Can Learn From Children

1- Mine is mine and yours and yours…unless I want it.

2- Life is more fun without shoes and pants.

3- Water is one of the purest forms of entertainment. And nothing is funnier than a soaked babysitter, mommy, or dog.

4- If you don’t understand, ask. Even if the public questioning humiliates your in-the-know counterparts…it’s their fault for keeping secrets.

5- Feeling bullied? Throw a snarky comment the aggressor’s way and go about your business…stops ‘em every time. But make sure your comment is actually funny.

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Top 5 Things NYC Has Taught Me

1- Forget diamonds and rosé, the true sign of luxury is a washer/dryer, dishwasher, and a/c unit.

2- As soon as a taxi stops, open the door and get in the car. Once you’re in, they have to take you to your location…but oftentimes they’ll attempt to drive off if they don’t want to go that direction.

3- The world is controlled by fast-walkers…so get moving.

4- Never take a taxi during rush hour. There is nothing more irritating than pedestrians passing your cab while the meter steadily ticks away.

5- The world is a very small place. For example, last week I met someone from the same small town in SC (population 175) in my local coffee shop. In a city of 9 million. Cuhrazy.

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Top 5 Places That Drive Me Loco

1- Home Depot- Talk about stress. It’s massive, it always takes forever, and I don’t know how anything in there works. As for me, I’ll just linger around the paint samples until it’s time to go.

2- Michael’s- I know I shouldn’t, but I judge.

3- Herald Square- The only miracle that occurs on 34th street is when you get to leave.

4- Parking Garages- To me, they’re reminiscent of a cow getting corralled into a stall…with the added thrill of a potential kidnapping.

5- Pet Smart- Because I want a puppy! And I can’t have one. Suddenly, I’m 8 years old again…

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Top 5 Styles I Just Can’t Support

1- The one-shoulder trend. First of all, it is rarely flattering. Second of all, it just screams Miami/RHONJ/Jersey Shore to me.

2- Mini-backpacks. Nothing can ever top the Mickey Mouse one I had in 1994.

3- Toms. I love the cause, but can they pleeeaaaasseee come up with a more attractive style?!

4- Logos. I don’t care if it’s a $1400 Vuitton bag or a $300 Coach tote. I think it’s tacky. 

5- Lucite. It just reminds me of small-town pageants (that I may or may not have participated in back in the day…shhh).

 

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Top 5 Things I Just Can’t Give Up

1- My side of the bed….don’t even try, boo.

2- Funfetti icing…it just tastes so good!

3- Mani/Pedis…skipping lunch is so totally worth it.

4- Rihanna…I’m so upset about her life decisions—but love her so much!

5- My tween crush on Joshua Jackson…it will happen!!

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Top 5 Ways To Turn Around A Craptastic Day

1- If the weather is nice, go to the store and purchase your most favorite mag. Next, pick a cute little restaurant, sit outside, and have a great meal while you read the magazine front-back. It’s the perfect way to de-stress!

2-  Choose your favorite artist (or buy the new record you’ve been wanting) and turn it on while you take a long, relaxing bath. Extra points if you exfoliate.

3- Go to the gym and rock out to hardcore rock/rap. You’ll be ready to kick some ass in no time.

4- Order your favorite delivery and have a DVR party for one. However, limit yourself to three episodes…more than that and you just start to feel worse.

5- If all else fails, call your mom.

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Top 5 Things I Learned From My Granny

1- Only buy/wear white if you have full intentions of caring for it properly.

2- If a gift is received, a thank you card is written [in a timely fashion]. No exceptions.

3- Never wear “yard clothes” to town. Being presentable is a sign of respect.

4- You can get almost any stain out with determination and brute strength. Don’t give up!

5- Petite women (i.e. all women in my family) should not wear “long, draggy” dresses or baggy clothes. Flaunt what you’ve got!

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Top 5 Things I Don’t Want To Hear About

1- Your calorie counting. It’s horrible enough to have to listen to your own brain do the math.

2- The problem you refuse to fix (by far, toxic relationships top this list!).

3- Food shopping. I just don’t understand the excitement.

4- The 10 guys that hit on you at last night’s party. Newsflash, you sound like an asshole.

5- Any long drawn out “issue” discussion. We’re all screwed up…accept this little fact and be happy with the company!

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Top 5 Items Worth The Save

1- Hand soap. Buy a delightful little dispenser and then stock up on the huge dollar store refills (to be stored out of sight, of course).

2- Decorative bowls/glass. These things are often priced outrageously…and you can typically find beautiful pieces at any thrift store for mere pennies.

3- Halloween costumes. The pre-packaged options are both ridiculously expensive and ridiculously cheap! Get creative and have a quality, original, and tasteful get-up!

4- Lipstick. While I also adore department store brands, the drug store stuff works just fine!

5- Summer sandals. These things are going to get beat up, washed up, and danced over by the time the the season is over…save your money so you don’t stress about it until fall!

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