Monthly Archives: June 2013

Top 5 Reasons I Date Foreigners

1- When they say something you don’t like, it’s easy to chalk it up to translation issues.

2- The likelihood of traveling somewhere exotic is increased tenfold.

3- I am determined for my children to have dual passports.

4- They oftentimes know how to cook interesting and unusual food…excluding the Brits, naturally.

5- Who doesn’t want to be told they’re beautiful in multiple languages?!

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Top 5 Reasons You Should Go To The Beach

1- The frizzier the hair, the more fun you’re having.

2- You get to show off your masterful self-tanning skills…which is no small feat. 

3- Heels are frowned upon, so now’s the chance to give your worn out arches a break.

4- It’s the perfect excuse to eat shrimp every.single.night. Shrimp-kabobs, shrimp creole, shrimp gumbo. Pan-fried, deep fried, stir-fried. There’s pineapple shrimp, lemon shrimp, coconut shrimp, pepper shrimp, shrimp soup…

5- It’s good for your soul, fool! Now hit the road.

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Top 5 Side Effects Of Driving 15+ Hours

1- You are either doing the “I’m just gonna rest one eye” trick or you’re so jacked up on caffeine that you won’t sleep for weeks (when given the opportunity, choose the latter).

2- Your knuckles are crazy sore from clutching the wheel during multiple torrential downpours…rain, rain, for the love of god, PLEASE go away!

3- You are now a lyrical expert on the entire Top 40 list…because the same songs play over and over and over again. Thanks for that, RiRi.

4- If driving alone, you are mind-numbingly bored and lonely. If driving with others, you never want to see another human being for the rest of your life.

5- Your bathroom standards have lowered exponentially.

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Top 5 Things I’ve Learned in the Security Line

1- Gladiator sandals are not your friend. Always choose ballet flats or boots when traveling!

2- Children are the enemy. When given the option, always go for the childless line.

3- The **@#&!^ng laptop has to be run through separately. People ignoring this rule can double your wait time…so if you spot someone making this rookie mistake, always say something.

4- The ubiquitous pat down is part of life. Just hold your head high and own it.

5- Always make sure you grabbed your hat and identification! Learned this the hard way.

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Top 5 Reasons You Should Visit Your College Town

1- You can go to that same old dingy bar, with the same cheap drinks, and most likely, a few of the same bartenders. In this crazy world, it’s nice to see that some things never change.

2- You can show your boyfriend/spouse/kids the building where you never went to class.

3- You can go in the college bookstore…and for once have enough money to purchase t-shirts, mugs, planners, etc.

4- You can see what Pita Pit looks like BEFORE 2:00 am.

5- You can watch all the crazy undergrads…and thank heavens that you made it out alive.

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Top 5 Things I Notice At The Airport

1- The bratty kids. Seriously, shouldn’t there be a Kids/Families Only airline?! Get with it, Disney.

2- The baggage claim carousel that may or may not ruin my evening. Please have my bags, please have my bags…

3- The person who asks for a cocktail immediately. I always question whether this person is really fun or has a serious drinking problem…

4- The couple who is already arguing. Good Lord, please don’t sit near me.

5- The one cute guy. Good Lord, please sit near me.

Top 5 Shoes I Will Never Forget

1- My white leather and fringed cowboy boots from approx age 2. Proof that I have always been Dolly Parton’s greatest fan.

2- My turquoise Hi-Top Chuck Taylor sneaks from age 4. Worn with matching blue shorts, pink striped top, and TWO high ponytails. To quote my mother, “after that, you were on your way.”

3- My moon boots. Big, chunky, silver, patent leather, and laced all the way up. It was an N’Sync fan’s greatest treasure. Vive la middle school.

4- My Badgley Mischka Peep Toe Pumps. They’re black satin with an elegant gold design at the ankle…and my legs have never looked better. My first designer shoes scored at a shockingly (shockingly!) low price at a thrift store in Colorado. I’m still in disbelief.

5- My black slingback that disappeared in Paris. One moment, you’re wrapped in a romantic embrace at a techno club in the 8th and the next minute…you’ve lost your shoe!! Still don’t know where that little guy ran off, but I like to think he’s sipping Cabernet Sauvignon at Le Chat Noir.

Top 5 Words You Never Want To Hear Your Mom Say

1- Sexy. Gross, gross, ga-rossss!! Full body cringe, indeed.

2- Insurance. A stressful conversation is bound to follow, no doubt.

3- Marriage. Let’s cross that bridge when we get there, mmk? 

4- Your *insert family member here. When they stop becoming hers and suddenly belong only to you, family drama is a’ brewing.

5- Excuse me?! Uh-oh…now you’ve done it. Best bet is to make yourself scarce.

 

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Top 5 Looks New Yorkers Know How To Rock

1- The “I’m not going to a funeral, I’m just super cool” head-to-toe black ensemble.

2- The “I wear my shades everywhere on Sunday because I’m too lazy to put on concealer” babe.

3- The “I’m not from DC, I will wear 6 inch heels even though I’m dying inside” pump façade.

4- The “sooooo retro/indie/urban” look that actually cost thousands of dollars.

5- The “it’s snowing out and I look like a human marshmallow of death” black puffer style.

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Top 5 Things I Think When It Rains

1- There is no way I should be expected to get out of bed in this weather. Followed by either 1) Thank God it’s the weekend and I don’t have to or 2) $!@&&%$#(@!#&+@(~#~&@!*!#*@!!!!

2- Well, ugly shoes it is…sorry outfit.

3- I can’t go to the gym in this weather! It’s water falling from the sky…what if I get hurt?!

4- Dammit, still need to replace those windshield wipers. Why does this only ever come to mind when it is actually raining and I can’t see anything?!

5- Good, we need that [said in my papa's deep southern drawl]. You can take the girl outta the country…

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