Monthly Archives: July 2013

Top 5 Ways I Keep It Real

1- Handwritten notes. While it may be prehistoric, my love of stationary requires that I keep up this tradition. Don’t worry though, I still send the obligatory “Happy Birthday” post online.

2- Cowboy boots. No, not the silly little $30 ones from TJ Maxx. Real, live boots…worn with real, live jeans. The kind that have clocked the same amount of hours in the fields as they have on city streets.

3- The ‘Zuk. I’ve had the same car since my senior year of high school. She’s small, has great gas mileage, and above all, doesn’t require any car payments. We’ve been together for 10 years now and I love her dearly.

4- Music. My tastes have not drastically changed since 1996. My typical Pandora rotation goes a little something like this: Tom Petty, Travis Tritt, Rod Stewart, Prince, Billy Joel, Garth Brooks.

5- Public Transit. Nothing more real than that.

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Top 5 Things You Should Just Forget About

1- Getting a decent parking spot on any college campus. In related news, don’t even try to park illegally…fifty bucks says there is a parking services agent hiding in the bushes. 

2- Wearing your hair down in this heat. Don’t lie girl, you know that ‘do is gonna be in a topknot before you even make it to the subway.

3- Waking up early to work out on the weekend. I’ve told myself this was going to happen, oh, a few THOUSAND times in my life…and I’ve never done it once.

4- Acting funny, witty, smooth, or refined when needed. Sorry player, this is going to be the EXACT moment you knock over your glass and/or get a piece of basil stuck in your teeth.

5- Choosing the “right” line in security. It’s always a gamble…and I inevitably get stuck behind the newb who forgets to take out his laptop…way to hold up the entire.freaking.line. dude…

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Top 5 Styles I No Longer Sport

1- Flip flops. Unless I’m at the beach, it’s highly unlikely you will catch me with these on my feet. My grandmother once told me they were “sloppy and noisy” and only excusable on teenagers…years later, I have to say I agree.

2- Butterfly sleeves. They look stunning on the hanger…and atrocious on the bod. Trust me. 

3- Denim jackers. I know they’re back and I know they’re all over the runway…but I would bet my life savings that a black or white blazer would make any outfit look better.

4- Tracksuits. This style is almost as 2003 as Paris Hilton.

5- Dresses with a banded bottom. That was a fun/brief moment in time wasn’t it? Too bad Jersey Shore had to come and ruin it for us all.

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Top 5 Ideas That I Don’t Buy

1- The “we’re on a break” cop out. There’s a reason why “a break” sounds a lot like “breaking up”…because they’re the same damn thing.

2- The “he/she has commitment issues” excuse. In most cases, the person just doesn’t like you enough to give up their independence. Brutal, but true.

3- The “purchase two get one free” scam. Unless it’s a necessity (toothpaste, paper towels, soap), chances are you don’t need/wouldn’t buy that extra item ordinarily…so you’re still spending more than you planned. Jedi mind trick for the win.

4- Energy drinks. First of all, they’re disgusting. Second of all, I’ve never felt any energy boosts afterwards. Placebo effect, anyone?

5- The “citizenship” award. Great, thanks. Now where are the real accolades??

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Top 5 Things That Always Seem Suspect

1- The “traffic was terrible/train was delayed/accident on the highway” excuse. Most of us have used this one at some point in our lives…thus no one actually believes it.

2- The sickeningly sweet “do you want to save 10% today?!” request from retailers. Listen sir/madam, I know you don’t care two licks about my savings. What you do care about is meeting your credit card sign-up quota…and frankly, that’s none of my concern.

3- The “unlimited mimosas” trend at local brunch spots. How does this even work?? Does the restaurant not take a beating in profits?? Surely there’s a trick in here somewhere.

4- Any child/teenager that washes your car for no apparent reason. Might wanna go ahead and brace yourself.

5- When a person under the age of 40 goes through and “likes” all of your profile pics. To quote Mariah, why you so obsessed with me?!

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Top 5 Urban Legends That Still Freak Me Out

1- The Killer in the Backseat. I have this tall tale to thank for my compulsive (compulsive) need to keep doors locked. Don’t believe me? Ask my friends who get annoyed with the constant  “Hey, do you mind locking your door” request.

2- Lights Out Gang Initiations. You all know the story…a group of wannabe gang members drive around at night without their headlights on until some kind citizen flashes his/her lights as a warning signal. The gang then chases aforementioned citizen down for kicks and giggles. Um, terrifying. 

3- The Man Upstairs. As a babysitter extraordinaire, this one just hits too close to home. I prefer Jamie Lee Curtis in Freaky Friday.

4- Light as a feather, stiff as a board. My mom swears she and her cousin lifted my grandfather doing this trick…and I want no part of it.

5- Bloody Mary. Not gonna hear me utter those words three times in a row. Thank heavens I prefer mimosas at brunch!

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Top 5 People I Don’t Understand

1- Gym rats that fit in an extra session at lunch. While I admire the dedication, what do you do with your hair? How do you have time to shower? Do you not feel gross the rest of the afternoon? How does this work??

2- Shoppers who must buy the outfit as displayed on the mannequin. Where’s the creativity? The personal touch? Aren’t you afraid you’ll run into someone dressed the exact same way as you? The horror!

3- Moviegoers who feel the need to talk during a film. It’s not okay and everyone hates you.

4- Parents who give in to tantrums and expect that to fix the problem. Congratulations, you just won 17 more years of brattiness. Was that extra toy really worth it?

5- Worrywarts who torture themselves with coulda, woulda, shoulda. It’s over. If you can’t change what happened, you might as well accept it and get on with your bad self. Next!

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Top 5 Reasons I Love Country Music

1- It reminds me of going to little bluegrass shacks as a child and listening to my mama sing.

2- Not sure why, but I love a good sad song…and no one sings ‘em better than Patsy.

3- You haven’t lived until you’ve heard a crowd of drunks really get into “You don’t have to call me darlin.” Or perhaps been one of them…

4- Dolly Parton is my hero…always has been, always will be. 

5- I still have a crush on 1990s Travis Tritt. Drift off to dream indeed…

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Top 5 Ways To Host An Impressive Shindig

1- Offer speciality drinks in a fancy glass. Since the first thing people do is grab a drink, this immediately lets your guests know they’re in for a good time.

2- Make sure you have fresh flowers. An extra touch impresses much!

3- Have a steady supply of party-pleasing tunes. Nothing is more awkward than the silent spell caused by someone picking a new playlist.

4- Keep the lights low. No one actually wants to be seen getting jiggy with it.

5- DO NOT RUN OUT OF LIBATIONS. Sadly, even your best of friends will call it quits if this happens.

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Top 5 Looks I Can’t Help But Give

1- The “I know you are not about to eat off my plate” stare.

2- The ever-so-slight “I don’t believe a word out of your mouth” smile.

3- The “You did NOT just say that to my friend” glare.

4- The “So you work out twice a day and speak three languages?” ogle.

5- The “It’s too early and you’re way too loud” scowl.

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