Tag Archives: advice

Top 5 Reasons I Might Jump You In An Elevator

1- You say something about Dolly. She is a goddess and I will not hear otherwise.

2- You spill a cocktail on my new Ferragamos. If you can’t handle your alcohol, keep it away from my couture.

3- You do something to hurt my little brother. In this scenario, you gonna need that bodyguard…and about 12 of his beefy friends.

4- You go off on some right wing rant that muddles religion, ethics, and politics into one indistinguishable puddle of idiocy. Or you like Glenn Beck. Same thing, really.

5- You go after my boo. Another reason I think Bey is a robot who just does what she’s told…RiRi would have had to regulate. ***

***See about page for more details.

 

 

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Top 5 Things You Shouldn’t Forget To Do

1- Call your grandma (or grandpa). Whether you’re talking about daisies, upcoming travels, or some crazy relative…it’s good for the soul. Life is short and being able to hear your grandparent’s voice is precious. Also, remember to save their voicemails.

2- Sing happy birthday. While the obligatory text or Facebook post is nice, there is just something fantastic about hearing your goofy friend singing that age-old tune. For me, it’s probably a flashback to my BALLIN 101 Dalmatians party circa 1991…you shoulda been there.

3- Floss. Seriously. Don’t be a gross ass.

4- Keep the tank at least 1/4 full. Worst case scenario, there’s an emergency in the middle of the night and you have to stop for fuel. Less dangerous but still awful case scenario, it’s freaking freezing and you’re running late for work…and you have to stop for fuel. Woof.

5- Love on somebody. Whether it’s your spouse, puppy, niece, or great auntie…get some QT. Ridiculous bone-crushing hugs and smooches are what life’s all about…personally, I need about three hugs a day—so consider yourself warned.

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Top 5 Signs You’ve Really Got It Together

1- You know the exact date of your automatic drafts…and plan accordingly.

2- You can’t remember the last time you sent an inappropriate or unsolicited text.

3- Clean sheets. Every Single Week.

4- You send out birthday cards (on time). 

5-  You manage to go to the gym AND make a home cooked meal ALL IN ONE DAY. BOOM.

 

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Top 5 Reasons I Like 2014

1- I always do better in even-numbered years. While 21 was fun in ’07, I am quite certain it wasn’t my most productive year yet (unless you take into account my ability to keep a 3.0 whilst spending most of my days [booze] cruising the Charleston harbor :/ :) ].

2- I have SEVERAL fun weddings to look forward to…which means reunions, champagne, and fabulous Instagram photos galore. #bringit

3- I know I will go to Europe at least once this year. Makes the whole newly-adopted 40 hours/week thing bearable.

4- I love my living situation. New York, you know I love ya…but damn it feels good to have a washer and dryer.

5- I still have two years before I need to have my sh*% completely together. 

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Top 5 Slippery Slopes of Life

1- Dating your ex. True, this one is kind of obvious…but all too commonplace, nonetheless!! There was a reason it didn’t work. Recycle your paper goods not your bad decisions.

2. Buying yoga pants. Chances are, these will very rarely see a half lotus…and their flexible waistbands will ironically lessen the need for physical fitness. Real pants miss you.

3. French fries. Next step: salt, ketchup, ranch, cheese, bacon bits…just pick your poison.

4. Credit cards. They exist for a reason and it’s most certainly not to make your life easier.

5. Social media. A quick check here and there=great. Instagramming each meal=annoying. See life through your real eyes…not through the feedback of others, yo.

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Top 5 Reasons I Moved To Tennessee (still got mad love NYC!)

1- I visited and fell in love with the city. I promise cute musicians weren’t the ENTIRE reason…

2- Turns out, having your own washer and dryer isn’t just for fairy tales. 

3- Slowly but surely working toward settling down (and by settling down, I mean getting a dog).

4- Walking ten blocks to the doctor/drug store when you’re sick is for the birds. 

5- I’m grown and I do what I want. 

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Top 5 Signs You’re Too Old For This Sh*&

1- One night out means at least two full days of recovery…which means you spend the rest of your weekend with Seamless and Netflix. So not a cute look, girlfriend.

2- You leave bars because they’re too loud and you can’t participate in meaningful conversation…because, ya know, that’s what everyone is looking for on a Saturday night.

3- The thought of taking a Fireball shot makes you want to hurl…EVEN if it’s completely free of charge.

4- You leave happy hour at a reasonable hour so you can take your dog out…and don’t harbor any resentment towards your furry friend.

5- When you see someone living out their rockstar fantasies, you secretly thank your lucky stars that it’s not you. Live and let live!

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Top 5 Commuters Who Should Just Disappear

1- The a-hole who sits spread eagle with his (already large) frame. Usually seen taking up 3/4 of the only available bench. Go you-know-what yourself dude.

2- The panicky rico suave who freaks if someone steps on his precious shoes. If they were that nice, you wouldn’t be on the train…mmmk?

3- Anyone who eats anything remotely resembling food. It’s like watching someone eat in the bathroom…Heebiejeebies.

4- The Metrocard fumbler…I don’t care if you have to duck under the turnstile, when that train is coming you better MOVE son!

5- The perv. There’s one on every train and it never gets less awkward or creepy. Blegh!

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Top 5 Rules of Working Life

1- Always be polite and graceful in the elevator. You never know who is coming up to your floor.

2- Don’t forget the therapeutic power of a lunch break. Stopping this time-honored tradition is a slippery slope to crazyville.

3- Wear comfortable shoes…at least on your way there. You can thank me later.

4- Keep an umbrella at the office. And floss. These are two things you never appreciate until they’re gone.

5- Don’t flirt with coworkers. Like ever. It’s unbecoming for all involved. 

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Top 5 Ways I Keep It Real

1- Handwritten notes. While it may be prehistoric, my love of stationary requires that I keep up this tradition. Don’t worry though, I still send the obligatory “Happy Birthday” post online.

2- Cowboy boots. No, not the silly little $30 ones from TJ Maxx. Real, live boots…worn with real, live jeans. The kind that have clocked the same amount of hours in the fields as they have on city streets.

3- The ‘Zuk. I’ve had the same car since my senior year of high school. She’s small, has great gas mileage, and above all, doesn’t require any car payments. We’ve been together for 10 years now and I love her dearly.

4- Music. My tastes have not drastically changed since 1996. My typical Pandora rotation goes a little something like this: Tom Petty, Travis Tritt, Rod Stewart, Prince, Billy Joel, Garth Brooks.

5- Public Transit. Nothing more real than that.

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