Tag Archives: dogs

Top 5 Things You Shouldn’t Forget To Do

1- Call your grandma (or grandpa). Whether you’re talking about daisies, upcoming travels, or some crazy relative…it’s good for the soul. Life is short and being able to hear your grandparent’s voice is precious. Also, remember to save their voicemails.

2- Sing happy birthday. While the obligatory text or Facebook post is nice, there is just something fantastic about hearing your goofy friend singing that age-old tune. For me, it’s probably a flashback to my BALLIN 101 Dalmatians party circa 1991…you shoulda been there.

3- Floss. Seriously. Don’t be a gross ass.

4- Keep the tank at least 1/4 full. Worst case scenario, there’s an emergency in the middle of the night and you have to stop for fuel. Less dangerous but still awful case scenario, it’s freaking freezing and you’re running late for work…and you have to stop for fuel. Woof.

5- Love on somebody. Whether it’s your spouse, puppy, niece, or great auntie…get some QT. Ridiculous bone-crushing hugs and smooches are what life’s all about…personally, I need about three hugs a day—so consider yourself warned.

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Top 5 Signs You’re Too Old For This Sh*&

1- One night out means at least two full days of recovery…which means you spend the rest of your weekend with Seamless and Netflix. So not a cute look, girlfriend.

2- You leave bars because they’re too loud and you can’t participate in meaningful conversation…because, ya know, that’s what everyone is looking for on a Saturday night.

3- The thought of taking a Fireball shot makes you want to hurl…EVEN if it’s completely free of charge.

4- You leave happy hour at a reasonable hour so you can take your dog out…and don’t harbor any resentment towards your furry friend.

5- When you see someone living out their rockstar fantasies, you secretly thank your lucky stars that it’s not you. Live and let live!

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Top 5 Lies I Tell Myself

1- Paying outrageous rent in Manhattan balances out because I don’t have a car.

2- Wavy/Frizzy hair is natural and beautiful…not just a sign of laziness.

3- I have the patience, time, and money for a dog in the near future.

4- Walking around in 6 inch heels counts as a leg workout.

5- Diet starts tomorrow.

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Top 5 Ways I Say I Love You

1- I watch any sporting event for more than 15 minutes…and don’t complain about it.

2- I pick you up at the airport…and brave the godawful Newark, NJ traffic.

3- I cheerfully tolerate your dog licking/jumping on me….and don’t show that I’m dying inside.

4- I go camping/rock climbing/mountain biking…even though I would rather be watching a play in a pleasantly climate-controlled room. 

5- I attempt to cook ANYTHING…even though following recipes makes me angry. I hate being told what to do.

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Top 5 Ways To Stay Happy

1- GSD- As in, Get Sh&* Done. End that procrastination-based masochistic relationship with yourself and be productive, you’ll feel better for it I swear.

2- Avoid toxins- This list may or may not include over-processed food, aerosol hairspray, and your self-involved mother-in-law.

3- Ditch the Sweats- In the words of Karl Lagerfeld, “Sweatpants are a sign of defeat. You lost control of your life so you bought some sweatpants.” Preach it, Karl.

4- Make a weekly visit to the park- You get the chance to soak up Vitamin D and see all the goofy kids/puppies you want but can’t afford. Just don’t be creepy about it.

5- Hydrate- Take care of your skin from the inside and glow on the outside! And no, martinis don’t count.

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Top 5 Reasons I Don’t Have A Dog

1- If I wanted to be licked in the face, I would still be dating my high school boyfriend.

2- The only thing I’m willing to wake up for at 6:30 am is a flight.

3- Shocking as it sounds, I don’t like to pick up poop.

4- They can’t go for more than a few HOURS without being attended to? Needy much?!

5- If I’m broke, they still need food. However, so do I. See the problem here?

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