Tag Archives: family

Top 5 Reasons I Might Jump You In An Elevator

1- You say something about Dolly. She is a goddess and I will not hear otherwise.

2- You spill a cocktail on my new Ferragamos. If you can’t handle your alcohol, keep it away from my couture.

3- You do something to hurt my little brother. In this scenario, you gonna need that bodyguard…and about 12 of his beefy friends.

4- You go off on some right wing rant that muddles religion, ethics, and politics into one indistinguishable puddle of idiocy. Or you like Glenn Beck. Same thing, really.

5- You go after my boo. Another reason I think Bey is a robot who just does what she’s told…RiRi would have had to regulate. ***

***See about page for more details.

 

 

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Top 5 Things You Shouldn’t Forget To Do

1- Call your grandma (or grandpa). Whether you’re talking about daisies, upcoming travels, or some crazy relative…it’s good for the soul. Life is short and being able to hear your grandparent’s voice is precious. Also, remember to save their voicemails.

2- Sing happy birthday. While the obligatory text or Facebook post is nice, there is just something fantastic about hearing your goofy friend singing that age-old tune. For me, it’s probably a flashback to my BALLIN 101 Dalmatians party circa 1991…you shoulda been there.

3- Floss. Seriously. Don’t be a gross ass.

4- Keep the tank at least 1/4 full. Worst case scenario, there’s an emergency in the middle of the night and you have to stop for fuel. Less dangerous but still awful case scenario, it’s freaking freezing and you’re running late for work…and you have to stop for fuel. Woof.

5- Love on somebody. Whether it’s your spouse, puppy, niece, or great auntie…get some QT. Ridiculous bone-crushing hugs and smooches are what life’s all about…personally, I need about three hugs a day—so consider yourself warned.

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Top 5 Things I’ve Inherited From My Mother

1- Little to no self-control when presented with beautiful things….and the ability to pinpoint the tiniest differences between what I want and already own. So what if I already have 3 pointy-toed black pumps? These have a TEXTURED heel!!

2- A quick wit and sharp sense of humor that keeps the bullies at bay. Word to the wise, don’t start something you can’t finish.***

3- I’m a mean, mean, mean hungry person.

4- Silliness and a playful ease around children. You’re Big Bird and I’m Oscar the Grouch? Cool, just give me a sec to hop into the garbage can.

5- Ridiculously good looks. Kidding. Well, maybe. All I know is a stranger once called me out as her daughter, so there’s definitely a resemblance.

***A gift passed down from my ace of a grandpa.

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Top 5 Signs You Are Not Destined To Be Domestic

1- Your friends refuse to cook at your house because, without fail, you never have the basics to make a meal (flour, eggs, olive oil, etc).

2- The thought of making your own cleaning supplies makes you want to jump in front of a train.

3- You use your pantry as an extra shoe closet.

4- Your version of DIY is called Etsy. Delegation at its finest, folks.

5- You think that spending $600 on a pair of shoes makes total sense…but $300 on a mixer? What is it made out of…gold?!

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Top 5 Words You Never Want To Hear Your Mom Say

1- Sexy. Gross, gross, ga-rossss!! Full body cringe, indeed.

2- Insurance. A stressful conversation is bound to follow, no doubt.

3- Marriage. Let’s cross that bridge when we get there, mmk? 

4- Your *insert family member here. When they stop becoming hers and suddenly belong only to you, family drama is a’ brewing.

5- Excuse me?! Uh-oh…now you’ve done it. Best bet is to make yourself scarce.

 

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Top 5 Things That Should Always Be Celebrated

1- Your grandma’s birthday. Chances are, this little lady has lived through wars, unmedicated childbirth, and life without Wi-Fi….she deserves a damn birthday cake.

2- The 4th of July. It’s in the summer. It’s a drama-free holiday. You’re promised burgers, booze, and fireworks…God Bless America, indeed!

3- The return to singledom. Ain’t no party like a breakup party, ‘cuz a breakup party don’t stop…until you decide to take home the cheesy, but sweet, bearded bartender (who will now and forever be referred to as Rebound Robert).

4- Career advancement. Howwww many baby showers have you attended? Howww many presents have you purchased for these little gatherings? Correct me if I’m wrong, but that promotion *may* have taken a little more work than babymaking. Wine gifting should be mandatory.

5- Your favorite show. As ridiculous as it may sound, most people have at least ONE show that they cannot live without. You feel like part of the family, you hurt when they hurt, you root for that one special character…and you go nuts when the season returns. So gather your other groupies, make themed drinks/snacks, and celebrate the return of the Targaryens (or Lannisters, Starks, Tyrells…).

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Top 5 Things You’re Never Too Old To Do

1- Run through the sprinkler. It really doesn’t get better than this…so throw caution (and your silk shirt) to the wind and partake in this time-honored summertime tradition. Extra points if you can toss a trampoline into the mix.

2- Order a kids meal. Whatever, the portions are better and they come in cute little boxes. Just make sure you don’t trash the toy…pay it forward by giving it to a kid on the street or donating to a local hospital/shelter.

3- Fight with your little brother. How long has he known you? Does he really think he’s going to get away with stealing your slice? Time to bust out the ‘ol Hogan moves.

4- Watch Boy Meets World. This show will never, and I repeat NEVER, get old. Here’s hoping the remake [and Topanga's hair] can stand up to the legend.

5- Call your grandma when you’re sick. Not sure what it is, but my granny always seems to know the appropriate ratio of concern, humor, advice, and cornbread my illnesses deserve.

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Top 5 Reasons To Avoid The Mall

1- Abercrombie and Fitch. The noise, the nauseating perfume, the crowd of tweens and/or toolbags…best if left to their own devices.

2- Parking is a pain in the ass. Without a doubt, someone will try to steal your spot, knock a door into your shiny new whip, or take forrreeevvverrr to get into their *&@*#&@ car.

3- Books-A-Million is a time vortex and will steal hours from your life…a fact you won’t realize until you’ve missed your dentist appointment, forgotten the kids at school, and forgone your dinner plans.

4- Chinese Food. That shiz is SO not organic…but you know you’ll order it. Who has the wherewithal to avoid those delicious little samples?! Not me, I say.

5- The lycra. It’s everywhere…on the bodies of fellow shoppers, for sale in the department stores, and cloaking the (generally uninterested) salespeople. Avoid, avoid, avoid.

 

 

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Top 5 Reasons You Shouldn’t Delete Your Facebook Account

1- You know when your ex-boyfriends get engaged, get married, or best of all, get fat.

2- You skip the massive email chains of family photos…one click and you’re done. Phew.

3- It’s not as intimate and/or creepy as texting.

4- When your best friend acts up, you can quickly access those embarrassing photos from freshman year. Blackmail betch.

5- You can stalk your new crush…and make sure you’ve never had inappropriate relations with any “mutual” friends.

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Top 5 Things I Just Can’t Accept

1- That my friends are actually starting to have children ON PURPOSE. When did this start happening?!?!

2- That in Manhattan it costs $23.00 for a mani/pedi and $8.00 for a box of cereal. Clearly, there is something wrong with this picture.

3- That white shoes are “in”—nope, nope, nope. I shall not agree to this nonsense.

4- That Gwyneth Paltrow is the “World’s Most Beautiful Woman”…sorry I’m not sorry, G-Pal. 

5- That all the good ones are taken. Surely there is a male version of myself out there…minus the clumsiness and inability to follow directions. ***must also carry luggage.

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