Tag Archives: lifestyle

Top 5 Reasons I Need To Make It Big

1- I really, really love jewels and gemstones. So much it hurts. With that said—most occupations frown upon, say my new antique rhinestone watch, as everyday attire. Hmph.

2- I don’t like maneuvering with the masses. Under most circumstances, you couldn’t pay me to go to a stadium-filled concert (Dolly excluded, obv)…but I still like to partake in the fun. Private concert at Versailles anyone? 

3- Sometimes, weekly manicures are the only thing that makes the world tolerable. 

4- I want to be able to wear what I want, where I want, at any time I want. In other words, caftans and diamonds all day/err day.

5- I would do really nice things. Charitable things. I’ve already gotten my platforms figured out actually, just in case you’re wondering. 

 

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Top 5 Reasons I Might Swipe Left

***Note: Due to the constant urging of one of my coworkers, I joined last week. The results have been nothing short of hilarious. 

1- Shirtless selfie. While I am the last person to throw the washboard abs out with the bathwater, this just does not bode well for emotional stability. Is that all you have to offer?

2- No bio or misuse of your/you’re in said bio. Ain’t nobody got time for that. 

3- Mutual friends. Sorry, you seem normal but our friends don’t need to know I’m on Tinder. Can’t swipe left fast enough.

4- You say you miss me after less than 24 hours of saying hello. Then proceed with a series of messages asking if I’m okay and will call you (after of course sending your phone number to no response). This actually happened. ***For those of you who know how it works, yes I swiped right on this seemingly cool guy…then had to immediately block him.

5- Kids, guns, lifeless animals, goatees, modeling shots, car photos, gym pics, and a laundry list of other no-nos. Once matched, calling me sweetie, babe, hottie, honey, sexy (barf), and beautiful will all get you disqualified immediately. 

*Honorable Mention*
I’m just in the mood. Nothing worse than swiping too fast and realizing you can’t go back. Oh well, another one bites the dust…

 

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Top 5 Things You Shouldn’t Forget To Do

1- Call your grandma (or grandpa). Whether you’re talking about daisies, upcoming travels, or some crazy relative…it’s good for the soul. Life is short and being able to hear your grandparent’s voice is precious. Also, remember to save their voicemails.

2- Sing happy birthday. While the obligatory text or Facebook post is nice, there is just something fantastic about hearing your goofy friend singing that age-old tune. For me, it’s probably a flashback to my BALLIN 101 Dalmatians party circa 1991…you shoulda been there.

3- Floss. Seriously. Don’t be a gross ass.

4- Keep the tank at least 1/4 full. Worst case scenario, there’s an emergency in the middle of the night and you have to stop for fuel. Less dangerous but still awful case scenario, it’s freaking freezing and you’re running late for work…and you have to stop for fuel. Woof.

5- Love on somebody. Whether it’s your spouse, puppy, niece, or great auntie…get some QT. Ridiculous bone-crushing hugs and smooches are what life’s all about…personally, I need about three hugs a day—so consider yourself warned.

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Top 5 Signs You’ve Really Got It Together

1- You know the exact date of your automatic drafts…and plan accordingly.

2- You can’t remember the last time you sent an inappropriate or unsolicited text.

3- Clean sheets. Every Single Week.

4- You send out birthday cards (on time). 

5-  You manage to go to the gym AND make a home cooked meal ALL IN ONE DAY. BOOM.

 

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Top 5 Things That Secretly Annoy Me…Until Now

1- Complaints about the amount of advertising in fashion magazines. Um hello, that’s the best part!! It’s the quickest/easiest way to pinpoint new aesthetics for the season and, quite honestly, is just really pretty!

2- When people proudly espouse opinions that are held by the general public. Yes, if you go in Wal-Mart you will most likely encounter interesting sides of humanity…and the root ingredients used by Taco Bell are probably found in tire rubber and petrol. Tell me something I don’t know. 

3- Recipes. Just another form of being told what to do.

4- Group texts. As most of you probably know, I’m not a phone person…and every time that dadblamed notification goes off it stresses me out. Plus, there’s always that one person who doesn’t know when to let it go.

5- Men who always let their wives dress them, no questions asked. First of all, get some opinions and a backbone. Secondly, leave the mothering to your mother.

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Top 5 Things I Find Wildly Unattractive

1- Chatty men- When I go on and on about my friends’ personal lives, I better see a hint of mild disinterest on your face.

2- Sneakers with jeans- It just can’t help but look a little…dorky. Nothing a pair of boots or loafers can’t fix.

3- Paying at dinner/movies/concerts/etc- Sure, I’ll go for the reach every time…and I completely agree that it’s unfair that this double standard exists. But exist it does.

4- Polo shirts with an athletic allegiance- Just not for me and I’ll say no more.

5- Swoop haircuts- If it looks anything like your preacher, politician, or 8-year-old self would sport…say hello to the swoop. 

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Top 5 Slippery Slopes of Life

1- Dating your ex. True, this one is kind of obvious…but all too commonplace, nonetheless!! There was a reason it didn’t work. Recycle your paper goods not your bad decisions.

2. Buying yoga pants. Chances are, these will very rarely see a half lotus…and their flexible waistbands will ironically lessen the need for physical fitness. Real pants miss you.

3. French fries. Next step: salt, ketchup, ranch, cheese, bacon bits…just pick your poison.

4. Credit cards. They exist for a reason and it’s most certainly not to make your life easier.

5. Social media. A quick check here and there=great. Instagramming each meal=annoying. See life through your real eyes…not through the feedback of others, yo.

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Top 5 Commuters Who Should Just Disappear

1- The a-hole who sits spread eagle with his (already large) frame. Usually seen taking up 3/4 of the only available bench. Go you-know-what yourself dude.

2- The panicky rico suave who freaks if someone steps on his precious shoes. If they were that nice, you wouldn’t be on the train…mmmk?

3- Anyone who eats anything remotely resembling food. It’s like watching someone eat in the bathroom…Heebiejeebies.

4- The Metrocard fumbler…I don’t care if you have to duck under the turnstile, when that train is coming you better MOVE son!

5- The perv. There’s one on every train and it never gets less awkward or creepy. Blegh!

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Top 5 Rules of Working Life

1- Always be polite and graceful in the elevator. You never know who is coming up to your floor.

2- Don’t forget the therapeutic power of a lunch break. Stopping this time-honored tradition is a slippery slope to crazyville.

3- Wear comfortable shoes…at least on your way there. You can thank me later.

4- Keep an umbrella at the office. And floss. These are two things you never appreciate until they’re gone.

5- Don’t flirt with coworkers. Like ever. It’s unbecoming for all involved. 

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Top 5 Signs You’ve Started A New Job

1- You iron/steam your clothes every day.

2- You arrive at least ten minutes early in the morning.

3- You scoff at all of those job search emails you keep receiving.

4- You have never been more excited about scheduling a dental appointment.

5- You have no clue what is going on around you.

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